Foreman: It’s really a thrill to be here at Belmont U to announce this bout between Sen. John McCain and Sen. Barrack Obama, Howard, doesn’t this remind you of the bout between the bruiser Sonny Liston and the dancer Cassius Clay?
Cosell: George, I was thinking more of the epic battle told to me by my ancestors: Goliath and David, but in this case, David enters the ring as the favorite over the hulking Goliath. After their first fight, The Lippy in Mississippi, they finished in a dead heat, but McCain has been showing his glass jaw the last few weeks. It should be thrilling to watch the longer reach of Obama versus the experience and up-off-the-canvasness of McCain.
Foreman: But the undercard, Smokin’ Joe Biden and Sarah “The Barracuda” Palin, the Rattatouille in St. Louey, gave McCain some room to fight, didn’t it?
Cosell: She is pushing McCain to go below the belt. It will be intriguing to see if the long-time referee Tom Brokaw will allow any below the belt punches.
Foreman: The two fighters are coming out to the ring now. They go ahead with the Boxer Handshake, and no staring down with these two.
Cosell: Because of their first fight, where McCain barely looked at Obama, there was some concern about how the handshake would go.
Foreman: As expected, round one dealt with the bailout. Obama was talking about the Great Depression and energy. McCain also talked about energy.
Cosell: What is fascinating to me is they both seem to be channeling the populism of perennial Presidential candidate William Jennings Bryan. Someone should tell them he lost every election. Luckily no talk of Cross of Gold.
Foreman: I’d have to give that round to Obama, as the original populist.
Cosell: I’ll agree with you George. McCain was dilatory to the show.
Foreman: Round two was still about the economy with both candidates trying to apply blame.
Cosell: With Obama disparagement of the administration, McCain had to go into a co-blame rope-a-dope strategy. It’s ardorous going for McCain, having to hoist the excess weight of his Bush belt around the ring. Obama looked much bouyant on his feet and able to slip McCain’s haymaker punches.
Foreman: You gotta dance with who brought ya. I’d say that round wasn’t even close. Looks like we have Obama up two to zero on rounds. Round three deals with priorities.
Cosell: More rope-a-dope from McCain. He refused to prioritize while Obama easily followed the referee’s tutelage. Looks like another round for Obama. McCain did get in a late jab with the $3 million overhead projector which Obama failed to counterpunch, but did manage to bring up JFK.
Foreman: At the end of that round Referee Brokaw had to warn both fighters they needed to go to neutral corners after the bell. The fourth round is about sacrifice and it will be an interesting round to watch.
Cosell: Just as expected, both candidates stayed with a populist vision of no sacrifice for the folks. McCain mentioned across the board freezes, but that was spending, not sacrifices for the folks. I’d have to call that round a draw, making the standing 3-0-1. McCain is going to have to start scoring soon in this 12 round bout.
Foreman: I was shocked when Obama mentioned “High on the Hog.” You think that was a reference to McCain’s running mate? McCain didn’t mention the reference, but did come back with a comparison of Obama to Herbert Hoover. We are on to round five and entitlements.
Cosell: Obama said he won’t do anything in the next two years, but he will get to it before the four years are up. McCain says fixing Social Security is easy but fails to say how. Perhaps it is like my old friend Richard Nixon’s secret plan to win in Vietnam. I’m giving that round to McCain because I want to hear his secret. That makes it 3-1-1.
Foreman: This round could be a tricky one for McCain, with the subject being climate change.
Cosell: Got to give this round to McCain. He was much more specific about drilling and nuclear power. He even pronounced nuclear correctly, showing his maverick spirit, splitting from President Bush and his own running mate. McCain is starting to catch up with the score now 3-2-1.
Foreman: Round seven is dealing with health care. McCain said health care is a responsibility while Obama said it is a right.
Cosell: This could be were McCain loses the fight. He was going with a populist vision, but then suddenly switched gears and went to Adam Smith. This isn’t a good time to be a free marketer. He’s going to need to throw a knock out in the next few rounds or Obama will probably win this match on points.
Foreman: As we get to the end of the match, we are getting into foreign affairs. This round ended up being about Iraq.
Cosell: Obama’s rabbit punches seemed to have McCain on the ropes. While McCain continued to try and sucker punch with Obama not admitting the surge is a success, Obama countered with “Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Iran” and McCain saying Iraq would be easy. No way McCain can recover. He looks flabbergasted.
Foreman: With the match 5-2-1, McCain will have to go for the knockout.
Cosell: ZZZZZZ
Foreman: ZZZZZZ
Cosell: We missed the last four rounds, but with them dealing with Pakistan Russia, Iran, and the candidates faults, we are sure we didn’t miss anything. We’ll just call them draw.
Foreman: With no final flurry, the match finished with the scorecard of 5-2-5, and it will be on to the Adieu at Hofstra U and the rubber match.
Cosell: They’ll be throwing out the Marquees of Queensberry rules for that. Watch for some low blows and less of the pitty-pat punches we saw tonight. McCain is going to have to listen to his running mate and go with some of the Ayers and Wright jabs.
Foreman: Obama has made no secret if McCain brings up that kind of stuff he will counterpunch with Keating and Todd Palin anti-American separatist group.
That’s it from Belmont University. We will see you in New York for the Adieu at Hofstra U. Now it is back to exciting cricket match between the Gujranwala Goatherders and the Bahawalpur Buccaneers here in ESPN 13.
1 comment:
Being familiar with both Howard Cosell's broadcast style and George Foreman (his grills are great), this column was interesting - but only for awhile.
The references to history, the clever language ("the Rattatouille in St. Louey,") gave the column a very interesting flair.
But, by the time it was over, I was probably as exhausted as George Foreman was at the end of The Rumble in the Jungle with Muhammed Ali.
What would have made the column work better?
Less fight stuff and more straight stuff. It was just too much, stretched across the entire column. And while I understood the business about the "longer reach of Obama," it might have been a tad too obscure.
Like a 15-round fight that should have stopped at 10.
Excellent historical references (not often you get to bring Richard Nixon into a column like this) and, again, a clever rubric.
And a good reminder that experimentation is a good part of what a class like column writing is all about...
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